Sunday, July 22, 2012

"I'm So Sorry To Hear That"

I seriously loathe it when people think that being sorry or being sad to hear what happened to others helps. Lately I've been receiving many messages like that when there's not anything to be sorry or sad about.

Don't be sorry about anything if you don't know a thing about what happened.

My depression phases won't disappear (nor does the mistakes or choices I make) by others being sorry to hear about that which is why I don't personally talk about those as much as I could - there are only some friends who understand and they are the ones I talk to when I need help or to get things out of my mind.

My life is okay apart from a couple of health problems and the depression. I thought things were getting better after Animecon but no, I was okay for a day and then everything started to go wrong. My health problems won't kill me but make my life a bit harder but on the other hand I've known about those for years and in a way I've been ready for those but still those manage to surprise me every time..

Yesterday I fell apart after work. I had kept everything inside for months and everything was just too much. I fell to the floor and cried my eyes out wanting to kill myself, just wanting to get rid of everything. I cried and seriously contemplated on taking all of the pills that are available at home thanks to my mom's illness. A while after that I was planning on writing a note to my blog or facebook and just go on with the plan after my parents were asleep. There was a couple of normal chats in facebook and everything seemed normal to those people because I don't really talk that much in chats..
Then on came a pal who asked how I am, what has happened in my life lately. Been a while since someone last asked me that seriously and I started crying, why does she send me a message like that when I'm ready to get rid of myself for good. We talked for some time, I don't even know for how long as it just went on and on and somehow I got things voiced out and thanks to the fact that she has also battled with depression she understood what I am/was going through.
We talked about the "cures" to the worst phases but the only thing that has worked as my cure since I was 14 doesn't work any more as it's dying out slowly but surely. I was able to take things day by day but now that nothing good seems to be happening and there's nothing I can really hold on to I feel hopeless, helpless and weak. She gave me a new thing to look forward to while we talked and sent me a link to a short preview.

She saved me from suicide.. I'm still down, depressed and hate myself but getting the things voiced out helped me a bit and I can now try to fight forward day by day.

The depression is one of the reason why I haven't been writing letters or new blog posts before this. I've been sure that no one would even care about reading or just thinks I'm looking for attention. But I'm only writing for myself and trying to get things off of my mind. Unfollow me if you're here only for letters or cosplay because my blog is like my diary, full of every part of my life, not just letters or cosplay as many of the blogs I follow are.


ps. The new layout was made by Kimmy during the beginning of this week, had no strength to blog about it, but thanks Kim. 


  1. 1) I won't unfollow you.
    2) Fighting depression is damn hard, I know that for I have Borderline and am fighting with the issue suicide myself. But girl, don't you ever give up. Times may suck and oh they know how to do that often, but your life is worth more than anything else. There's help outside, so if you feel like things get worse, don't wait till they reach their maximum, but search help before that. There are awesome doctors, that really can help you.
    3) Now that I've talked much that you very likely won't believe/like/accept, I just want to stop writing telling you that I believe you're a nice, beautiful girl.
    Leaving with my favorite mantra- FIGHTING (using Japanese accent)

  2. Hi lovely :)
    How are you feeling today? Hope you are a little bit better :)

    Keep on fighting,

    1. Hey~ :)
      I'm alive and doing okay.. After the post I decided to take some time off from everything so I've been going through things and currently I'm getting ready to move asap I get to hear from the student apartments :) So I'm alive and will start updating the blog the minute I have more time! :)

      Lil' Kay