Sunday, July 22, 2012

"I'm So Sorry To Hear That"

I seriously loathe it when people think that being sorry or being sad to hear what happened to others helps. Lately I've been receiving many messages like that when there's not anything to be sorry or sad about.

Don't be sorry about anything if you don't know a thing about what happened.

My depression phases won't disappear (nor does the mistakes or choices I make) by others being sorry to hear about that which is why I don't personally talk about those as much as I could - there are only some friends who understand and they are the ones I talk to when I need help or to get things out of my mind.

My life is okay apart from a couple of health problems and the depression. I thought things were getting better after Animecon but no, I was okay for a day and then everything started to go wrong. My health problems won't kill me but make my life a bit harder but on the other hand I've known about those for years and in a way I've been ready for those but still those manage to surprise me every time..

Yesterday I fell apart after work. I had kept everything inside for months and everything was just too much. I fell to the floor and cried my eyes out wanting to kill myself, just wanting to get rid of everything. I cried and seriously contemplated on taking all of the pills that are available at home thanks to my mom's illness. A while after that I was planning on writing a note to my blog or facebook and just go on with the plan after my parents were asleep. There was a couple of normal chats in facebook and everything seemed normal to those people because I don't really talk that much in chats..
Then on came a pal who asked how I am, what has happened in my life lately. Been a while since someone last asked me that seriously and I started crying, why does she send me a message like that when I'm ready to get rid of myself for good. We talked for some time, I don't even know for how long as it just went on and on and somehow I got things voiced out and thanks to the fact that she has also battled with depression she understood what I am/was going through.
We talked about the "cures" to the worst phases but the only thing that has worked as my cure since I was 14 doesn't work any more as it's dying out slowly but surely. I was able to take things day by day but now that nothing good seems to be happening and there's nothing I can really hold on to I feel hopeless, helpless and weak. She gave me a new thing to look forward to while we talked and sent me a link to a short preview.

She saved me from suicide.. I'm still down, depressed and hate myself but getting the things voiced out helped me a bit and I can now try to fight forward day by day.

The depression is one of the reason why I haven't been writing letters or new blog posts before this. I've been sure that no one would even care about reading or just thinks I'm looking for attention. But I'm only writing for myself and trying to get things off of my mind. Unfollow me if you're here only for letters or cosplay because my blog is like my diary, full of every part of my life, not just letters or cosplay as many of the blogs I follow are.


ps. The new layout was made by Kimmy during the beginning of this week, had no strength to blog about it, but thanks Kim. 

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Animecon IX

I've gotten home less than 30minutes ago and I'm already going through the convention days in my mind and after all - even though there were some moments I'd rather just forget I enjoyed the convention.

I had a day off on Friday and Kim had her last day at work before her 3 weeks long summer vacation so I woke up, packed things up and Ninnu came around 3pm, just some minutes before Kim and Yumi(she's an awesome cosplayer!) came.
We ate, packed up and all five of us (me, Kim, Ninnu, Yumi and my little brother) started our 4+ hour drive to Kuopio a bit before 4pm. The drive was longer than we expected as there was an accident on the Road 5 - between Mikkeli and Juva and we stood there for 30 minutes. We managed to get to Kuopio without any stops and we dropped Yumi off near the convention area before we headed off to our camping area a bit farther away from the city center. As me and my brother had surprisingly both forgotten our towels home we stopped by Smarket and bought towels and something to eat (2 towels were nearly 28€ in total :().
We managed to check ourselves in to the camping area and me and my brother took over the only cottage we were given, leaving Kim and Ninnu with the tent they took with us.
The evening was raining, we were checking our stuffs, messed up the cottage and as I had a huge headache during the whole day we managed to get to bed around 11pm and fell asleep around midnight.

The next morning me and my brother woke up to Kim and Ninnu's knock on the door around 8am. We slowly got up, got dressed (well, girls did, my brother slept until 9am as he didn't need to do a thing! It's so easy being a guy in some cases! - he only put on some clothes and had a "youtube" box on his head) and in the end we were ready to leave a bit after 10am and arrived to the convention area (we found our way there surprisingly fast even though we had NO idea where we were supposed to go!) 10.15am.

We spent the morning going around, Ninnu was being glomped and hugged countless times and at 1pm we went to see the cosplay competition which was GREAT! (pictures of the competition are coming up to Kim's blog when she has the time to go through those as she's currently moving)

After the competition we met some more people, waited while Kim took off to somewhere with E to take photos of him, watched as L was being interviewed and we (me, Kim and Ninnu) had a photoshoot. I'm an awful photographer so I have no idea whether Kim (she was cosplaying as White from Pokémon Black and White) will get any usable photos from our photoshoot but I hope for the best.. I, on the other hand, got quite many usable photos..

Just look at me trying to take photos of Kim :(
© Ninnu
Photos & Elizabeth "Liz" Thompson's costume © Kimmy
Ninnu as Death the Kid from Soul Eater
me as Elizabeth "Liz" Thompson from Soul Eater

Not symmetric

"Do we HAVE to?"

"Not again.." - Ninnu's facial expressions are priceless!!!! :)

"I've been expecting you mr.Bond.."
Ninnu is the most adorable DtK cosplayer I've seen!

When Patty's not around...
You gotta admit it's one of the most adorable KidXLiz pictures you've seen!!

Me and my "anime eyes" (I was in tears because of the make up, false lashes and the glue) and our "oh so innocent" Ninnu

"There, there.."
Not so compassionate Liz

After the photoshoots Kim went off to some other photoshoot and me and Ninnu changed our clothes for the "after party" - I had my favourite brown wig and Kim's LizLisa dress and Ninnu used my wig which I used while cosplaying as Liz. The party wasn't for me and my brother - my brother took off after 8pm and we called after him about 30 minutes later - thanks to me (I started complaining about being tired and having a head ache - I had been in not so great condition during the day as I didn't really eat due to the costume and my fear of gaining weight). SO we drove a couple of kilometers to the nearest McDonald's and went in to grab something - which ended in me complaining that I eat like an elephant as Kim and Ninnu didn't eat nealy as much as I did...
We managed to get to Rauhalahti (the camping area) around 9.30pm, started packing up a bit, did what we had to do and went to bed after midnight. I fell asleep around 1am as there was some kind of a party in the cottage next to ours.

Today me and my brother woke up, once again, at 8am with Kim and Ninnu behind our doors. The girls washed their faces and when M went to take a shower he didn't take the keys with him - we were locked outside and I ran a couple of hundreds of meters to the reception to get the extra key and we continued packing and dressing up. Me and Kim had planned a look for me as I didn't have the will to drag another costume with me. I had planned more of a "street"-look for me but we ended up with a hipster look. Ninnu put on her Rikku (Final Fantasy X) costume and we left the area 9.45am!
The morning was a haze for me as everyone was running around, some were trying to hide from others (don't ask me, long story) and around 12.30pm Kim went to take photos of the Final Fantasy X group. Me and my brother tagged along and carried for example Kim's bag when she was shooting.
BUT the photoshoot was more of this:

© Kimmy
than this:
© Kimmy

And I was so close to glomp Pilvi (Tidus) countless times during the day as her crossplay was so awesome - and I love Tidus. In the end I hugged her at least 3 times before I was able to leave when we were saying goodbyes to Pilvi, Cresu and others~ A bit before that Kim even forced suggested me to cosplay a character from a Final Fantasy game and I agreed (even though Kim was sure I'd say no as she said "I bet you don't even like the character BUT as I've always wanted to cosplay as X, you could be Z, right?").

After that we hanged around the area and Kim took some photos of my look and I took some photos of her look.

See a pattern in here? Blond hair and some skin is always showing ;)

We left around 4pm and I was home a bit after 8pm. GREAT to be home but I'm starting to suffer from the infamous convention-hangover..

To sum up the convention..
The songs that were mostly sang by us and played on the radio were

I was being told I am/look cute and/or adorable countless times - even when I kept hugging Pilvi and went on and on how I try/tried not to glomp her and settled for hugging her. Thank you for understanding my fangirl attack.

And I seriously started thinking 'bout growing my hair and going blonde. I still prefer being brunette or a red head BUT as I've started to use blond wigs while I cosplay (out of my 10 wigs 5 are blonde) and I've grown used to the way I look with blonde hair, no matter how fake it is.

And I'm already looking forward for the next convention - in September!! ;;__;; But at least I have my ticket and hotel reserved and paid for and the only things I need to worry right now are the costumes and how the heck am I going to get to Tampere.

I already miss the convention and the people I met during those 2 awfully short days.
Have a great week and try to recover from the convention-hangover!


Some of Kimmy's photos can be found from:
Kifia Photography

Friday, July 13, 2012

Friday the 13th

And I'm leaving to Kuopio with 4 people. Animecon will be held this weekend and no matter how much I've been complaining about it to Kim I'm still going.. I was ready to cancel the whole trip but no - I've been so down that I've even started cancelling my plans for July 23rd.
Work has really drained me out and everything happening around me just takes the turn for the worse. I'm dead tired and couldn't keep myself from opening the mail - I broke down on July 10th and opened those to cheer me up and it worked - for the time I was able to concentrate on the letters and swaps.

Some pics of Animecon might be put up during the weekend but most of those will be here after the weekend - probably within the week, depending on what happens..

So, what did I get and send during the last 2 weeks?

Postcards for swaps

Postcards sent via postcrossing - my favourite being "Four season's" :D

Amazing letter from Sabrina!

Letter from my "little sister" - arrived the same day she came back<3

2 letters and a postcard swap :)

New stamp spotted!

Cat Patrick's Revived (AMAZING BOOK! Just finished it and cried my eyes out), Atelier Iris 2 PS2 game and a postcard from Mexico :)

A wine bottle I bought for my dear soul sister :) (I also gave her a letter set :))

Letter sheets swap

First Atelier Iris game<3 I've almost played it through as the first PS2 games were really short :(

Sent an awesome postcard of Kotka to USA

Package from Bree - containing the 3 favourite things I won from her give away :)

Swaps and a couple of short letters I sent

Postcards sent via swap-bot

Another janetstore order - as I said I do a lot of shopping when I'm down

Amy and Tim and Snow White letter sets<3

Princess stickers<3

Stamp order, 1 swap, 3 postcards (swaps) and a letter

The stamp order - worth 300€.
Will be post some pics of the stamps when I have the time to

3 tea swaps, 2 PC swaps and a letter sheets swap I sent yesterday

After 2 months of waiting (since the day I made an order) I finally got the last 2 books of the Fallen series! Fallen In Love (#3.5) and Rapture (#4)

I still need to finish Passion (#3) before I can start reading the 2 last books!! :3

Other things I received yesterday - tea swap, PC swap, letter and 2 stamp swaps
More posts and pics coming up during next week as I'm busy cleaning up and packing


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Needless to say I've stayed away from internet for about a week for various reasons. One being the fact that my sleep patterns are all messed up again as it's been getting warmer lately, my life is a bit of a mess right now but that's about that and I was all alone taking care of the house for a while and after doing all the chores after getting home I was dead tired and couldn't get up from the sofa or the bed, depending on which had been closer, and fell asleep.

Luckily I had 2 days off and I was able to go through some of the things that had been on my mind messing up my everyday life and once again, when everything seems to be going to the right direction something messes my life up even more.

I spent Sunday trying not to think about anything and it went quite well, it felt and seemed too perfect and as a matter of fact it was. I should've just stayed away from the internet until Monday afternoon.
Sunday just started and ended and I was quite fine with that even though I did send a couple of text messages to my friends about how I'm feeling and doing.

Thank god my childhood friend and soul sister came back to Finland on July 4th, after an exchange year in Canada, and as she had told me the time when she was approximately arriving I sent a LONG text to her, explaining nearly everything that had happened in my life since the last time she heard anything from me. It was a total bomb for her and she was immediately saying we need to meet up and CATCH up! We immediately agreed on Monday, only 5 days after she came back!
So she came and spent yesterday with me. I was picking her up from the bus stop near us and the moment she jumped in to the passenger's seat we hugged, exchanged "it's so good to see you again!" and a couple of grins and laughs and she started "blaming" me on dumping all of the info on her like that, though she was happy I at least waited for her  to be in the same country so that she could meet up with me and we could talk.
"How are you?" and "Spill it." were only some of the first sentences we exchanged after being separated for nearly a year. She was a bit taller than me when she left and the moment my mom saw N again she went on how she had grown and was already taller than her dear friend. No one really believes that she's 3 years younger than I am! We were mostly locked up in my room, sat on the bed talking and laughing like there was no tomorrow. It had been a while since I last met any of my friends and I wanted to get everything on my mind and opened up to her on everything that had been bothering me, she told me all about what was going on in her life at the moment and how her exchange year was.
We spent over 10 hours with each other as she took the last bus and by then we had been in my room, walked around the small town and knew everything that had happened since the last time we met.

We even went through our plans for Tallinn and talked about the possibility of me going abroad with her and her mom as they have a friend's house which is not being used and they were told they could use it and N asked whether I'd be interested to go with her to do some shopping and check the night life - of course I am! But those are only plans so we'll see what happens.

I hope things will go better from now on and I can get my whole life in order and not be a frigging zombie whenever I'm awake.


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Day Trip - Picture Heavy

I'm quite happy I haven't received anything yet and I've been able to concentrate on the letters I have to write. On Monday I managed to write one letter after work - though it meant that I got to bed around 1am and yesterday I started another one and wrote 5 postcards for various swaps.

As I told you I went to Kotka and places around it with my family yesterday and we had fun. I was even able to find a special mailbox - when you leave your mail there the "stamp" they put on the postage is different than it usually is - I took a photo of the stamp as it was put to the mail box:

I think it's awesome!
One of the lucky recipients will be Yoshi. If I would've known we were going there and knew of the existence of this lovely box I would've written a LOT more and sent everything from here. Well, I need to start hunting for these~

The day was awesome and the day was just perfect for park/garden visits - the most beautiful parks are located in Kotka!

From Langinkosken Kalastusmaja
Katariina's Sea park (situated next to the sea)

We also went to see the Kotka Maretanium - LOTS of fishies~

Sapokka Water Park/Garden

Well hello there!

Herb garden!

I took over 300 pics and now I'm tired and happy for the trip we had. I was able to buy postcards and letter supplies (envelopes and packaging materials mostly) and now I'm ready to head back to work~