Saturday, May 12, 2012

Replaced or at least replaceable

Just something stupid about life atm..

For the last 3 days I've mostly felt like s*it and haven't been able to do a thing apart from sleeping, drinking various hot drinks, eating all sorts of pills and crying. I've also lost weight as I'm never able to eat properly when I'm sick..

Thursday and Friday were the worst but I can't say that today would be any better.. I'm mostly chained to my bed and not able to do anything, I'm even surprised how I manage to stay up at the moment and whether I'll have the energy to finish this..

I wasn't able to keep a presentation so I need to write another essay for the course in order to pass it, I wasn't be able to make it to an exam so I need to "retake" it on May 30th, I wasn't able to meet Raven or X thanks to this f*cking illness and I seriously can't remember the last time I've felt this depressed, hopeless and nearly ready to give up everything.. It's only been 5 days but I can't stand it anymore.. My stress levels get higher and higher and stress is the main reason why I'm sick 24/7......

For a while I've felt forgotten and easily replaceable.. Even though I usually act and I am somewhat independent I still need the people I consider as my dearest friends.. I'm not usually that clingy as I'm introvert (and becoming more and more introvert little by little) and tend to keep my distance no matter what.. I still can't imagine my life without the people I've opened up to..
Little by little I've started to feel like I've been replaced or that I am easily replaceable no matter what.. I'm nothing special and as I've already been replaced many times during my childhood, why wouldn't it keep on happening?

I've been reading and seen various things and noticed the distance getting between me and the people I've considered my friends. Why haven't I done anything about it? Because if they want to replace me I can't do a thing to prevent it.. I don't want to bother them when they want to forget all about me..

I've even put down my pen and started to consider quitting penpalling as I've started to lose confidence in my writing skills and the fact that I'm busy with school doesn't seem to be clear to my pals.. I'm busy, I'm stressed and I usually cry myself to sleep because I'm not able to do enough school work as I'd want to during a day.. That causes the long delays with the letters and still people keep on asking me a week or two after I've received the letter when I'm going to reply to their letters even though they know I'm busy with my studies..
I'm not working (if I was I could keep my work and "free time" separated), I have 6+ hours of school work to do after the school day and when my classes usually end around 5pm it means I stay up until 1am or 2am and work with the assignments, essays and homework no matter what...


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