Thursday, June 16, 2011

How're you feeling?

Messed up.
That's all.. I don't feel like doing anything - nothing's going to work out no matter what I do.

And Desucon..? ....................I don't know.. I know that's one of the 2 or 3 times a year I will meet these awesome people I've met at the cosplay conventions but on the other side I don't feel like going at all.. It's just another event, just another convention before I quit.. But A, Kimmy, Pun, N, Ninnu, R, T, E, L and many others will be there.. But it means that I must sacrifice my day offs before my final "driving exam" so that I could get the final driver's licence.. I know I won't be sleeping that much (hell, like I even sleep more than 6 hours a night!).
And just like last year I bet my feelings will be a mess after the convention.. Just like last summer..........
I wish I could just quit my job and sleep for 2 weeks without doing anything. But no, I need the money and all of my day offs are spent cleaning the house or having to stand the same mental abuse that has lasted for 7 years already. And it won't end no matter what I do. I've tried to fight it but in the end it just makes it worse....

Weekend in Lahti would give me a good reason to run away for a while but does it even matter? I will be at home on Sunday evening and she has the whole evening and night to say whatever she wants to... And after that I'm supposed to go to the driving school....... I'm afraid of the result..

Yesterday I broke down. I was honestly burned out and couldn't hold things inside anymore. I started crying at work in front of my boss.. Luckily she has known me for such a long time (and she's her friend.....) so she didn't ask anything and said that I could go home early and take a day off.. She said she understood that my parents' divorce affects me at some level (but that's not the only thing..)

There's so much I'd want to share with someone, to get rid of the burden but I'm too afraid to pick up the phone and call.. It was so much easier when I lived with people (near) my age and who had same kind of experiences (more or less). I just walked to them, sat down and spoke. Now I need to call and I'm afraid I might disturb someone.. And writing isn't enough anymore.. I have to talk and I need someone to listen to me...

Messed up blog post and everything.. Sorry about that.. I could probably use some sleep..


Pictures via


  1. You won't be disturbing me if you call. I might not be near phone but I will call back if I miss your call. Voimahaleja! <3

  2. You can always call if you need to. <3 Hang in there, sweetie *HUGS*