Sunday, February 6, 2011

Sometimes I don't know what to do..

My life has been hell for the last 8 years.. At least at home.. My parents have been together then apart and then again together.. It seriously has been like a World War 3 living in here..

Last night the bomb exploded for good.. My brother and me listened to their fighting.. I'm sure that even the neighbours heard their fighting..
Me and my little brother acted like we didn't hear a thing, like we've done for the last 6 years.. We've just shut our emotions off. We concentrated on music and PlayStation 2.. Then my mom came upstairs and started shouting at me..

She asked what her sister has said about my dad to me AGES ago. I started with the fact that children shouldn't hear their parents' fights and then I just stopped. I couldn't say a thing more.. You don't know my mom so you can't understand how scary she can be.. I swear she would have already killed me if she had a gun.. Since I didn't continue she started yelling at me.. I wanted to protect myself and yelled back:

"YOU were the one who called ME names when I was 14!!! I was FUCKING young and depressed and WHAT did you called me-"
and she replied
"I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHAT I'VE CALLED YOU. I DON'T HAVE A DAUGHTER BEFORE YOU'VE GROWN UP MENTALLY AND CAN ACT LIKE AN ADULT!!"


And she went back down..
It took a while from me to realize that I just lost my mom (I tried to see whether she was serious.. I went downstairs today and she acted like I didn't even exist.. But she does act really nice towards my oh so sweet brother..) My dad came upstairs after my mom went down and asked how I felt. All I said was:

"I'm Fine."



I continued playing PS2 for a while and listened as my mom talked on the phone with another one of her sisters.. In the end her sister wanted to talk to me. I honestly shouted to the phone..

"My OWN mother has destroyed my self-esteem and she's doing the same to my brother! I lost 15 kilos (33 pounds) in 3 months!!! I weren't even FAT but my mom kept calling me one!!! I weighted fucking 64 kilos (141 pounds) when she called me fat and after 3 months I weighted only 49 kilos (108 pounds). I didn't eat at all and it was so close that I didn't get anorexia!!!"
I yelled everything else as well and all she said:

"Your mother is in worse condition."

She FUCKING had the guts to say something like that. My mother has destroyed my self-esteem and made me feel like shit everytime I'm around her.

I ran away twice last year and all my mom said when I had my packed bags and I shouted at her that she wished I was never born and that she won't have to see me anymore.. all she said was

"Good."

I've always known that my mom doesn't love me.. People have never understood how I can't get along with my mother.. I've told many people that my mom hates me but almost n one have understood me..


And now I don't have a mother anymore......

After all the yelling I locked myself to my room and cried for over an hour.. I called my friend and talked with her for 40 minutes..
I hardly ever cry because I've built a wall around me so that people wouldn't see how much I've suffered during these last 8 years.. I usually don't let people to see my tears..

My friend knows that and she knew that I really needed someone to talk to..
THANK YOU.

Pictures from WeHeartIt

From now on I'll work harder so that one day I'll be able to leave this whole country behind me.

~Lily

2 comments:

  1. It's good that you have friends who listen and understand you!


    Even though I have a father, it feels like I don't. We never see, we never talk. He knows nothing about my life and seems to constantly forget that he has a daughter. We make plans to see, but we never do. He's like a stanger to me and isn't really a part of my life, which is sad because I would love to know how it feels to have a father. Luckily I have my mother, who has been amazing through all these years.



    I'm sure things will get better when you move out of home. Because the way I see it is that what point is there to keep a person in your life who only causes you harm? Even if it is your own mother. She can't keep making you feel this way.


    What is your father like? Are you two close?

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  2. Nyt mä vasta tajuan, millasta sulla on elää kotonas. Sä oot kyll kertonut mulle, mut että se on näin helvetillistä, sitä en tiennyt. Noi sanat mitä äitis sulle sanoo on järkyttäviä. Täytyy myöntää, että olin aika sokea. Anteeksi siitä! *halaa*
    Et usko, miten paljon se lohduttaa, että sulla oli kaveri, jolle pystyit soittaan ja puhuun asiasta. Se varmasti helpotti oloas! Mä oon jo pari kertaa miettinyt, että pitäskö meiänki alkaa soitteleen. En tarkota, että pakottaisin sut avautuun asioistas, vaan että tietäisit, että mäki oon täällä. Vaihdettas kuulumisia ja sillee. :)
    Mä en oikein tiedä mitä sanoisin. Kun oma äiti käyttäytyy noin, se ei todellakaa ole ihanaa elämää! Äidin pitäs olla tuki ja turva. Tää on niin väärin sua kohtaan!
    Koita oikeesti kestää.
    En osaa sanoa enää muuta, ku että jos tarvit tukea ja turvaa ota kaveria hihasta ja kerro. Voimia! Oot rakas.

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