Monday, February 7, 2011

"She doesn't deserve a daughter like you! Just forget her!"
But she's still my mother.. She gave birth to me..

The energy I usually have has disappeared.. I told everyone that "losing" my mother doesn't hurt or anything but it does..
I don't have the power or will to do anything.. Even getting out of the bed is a challenge..

I've never had a good relationship with my mother.. She has always hated me because she wanted to have a son.. Not a daughter.. And I kinda understand it.. Boys are easier to handle.. But still.. She got a daughter and 2,5 years after I was born she got the son she wanted..

My first 10 years was happy.. My mom didn't act like she hated me but I guess I was a bit ignorant.. I was just a kid and didn't know a thing about real life..

After my 11th birthday everything changed.. I don't even want to think about those times..

Most of the time I was out with my friends or at school.. I didn't want to stay inside the house.. If I was at home I was in my own room and sat in a corner.. It was my way of protecting myself.. After my 13th birthday the name calling started.. I was stupid, lazy as hell (no matter what I did), idiot everything like that.. Even bastard and asshole.. And after a year I became "fat". No matter what she HAD to call me fat. I was a teenager!! Of course I had a bit more weight than "normal" adults who are as tall as I were! My puberty had started!

THAT's when my depression phases started...

I'm afraid.. I really am.. But I won't let people see that side of me.. And sometimes I wish I could just crash down and cry for hours but I can't.. I have to be strong and keep going on no matter how much it hurts..

Even before my mom "changed" I've wanted to get out of Finland and everything that has happened to me during these last 10 years have just convinced me that I HAVE to move away from here.

My family is a mess.. I honestly think so. My only family members I truly respect are my dad, my brother and my oldest female cousin who turns 18 within 20 days.. (I have 15 cousins, 4 aunts, 2 uncles, 2 grandmas and a grandpa alive so..)
As my dad said to me yesterday:

"Jos on annettu yhtä paska suku kui sulla on ni sulle on todellakin luvattu vähintää paikka taivaassa tai seuraavassa elämässä vähintään kuningattaren tai miljardöörin elämä!"

(poorly translated:
"If you have as fucked up family as you do, you are surely getting a place in heaven or you're going to be at least a queen or a billionare in your next life!")

I'll be happy when I can move out of this country and lose the contact with my family..

And at the moment all I need is rest, some friends around me now and then and some time alone..

"One day she'll look back and regret what she said to you.."

Pictures from WeHeartIt

I know..

~Lily

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