Friday, February 25, 2011

Vacation (February 25th - March 7th)

I've calmed down a bit. I talked about things with my roommate and it helped me a bit. The night before yesterday I was sad, yesterday I was just mad and angry.. Now I'm kinda okay.. I'll be meeting a friend I've known for 10 years now and I'll be able to talk about everything with her.. It's nice to have people like that around you..
And I also need to thank my "personal diary", thanks Rob for listening what I need to tell no matter what kind of things those are.. You're a priceless friend! :)

After the 3 hours long bus trip from the dorm to my parents' place I was just SO tired.. I didn't have the energy to do a thing and I just went to bed and fell asleep almost immediately.. It was nice.. I slept for 10 hours with our neighbours' cat beside me.. (He kinda has two homes so we call him ours from time to time.. :))

When I woke up and got a message from Raven around 10pm I realized that I really have friends I can trust, I don't need anything else. I have people around me who care about me and who will listen to me when I ask them to. I'm not alone even if I feel that way once in a while..

Thank you guys! I love you! :)

And as the post title says I'll be having a vacation for a bit over a week. Tomorrow I'll go to Jyväskylä which may become my hometown this year (IF I get into the university) and get my 7 years younger cousin from there :) I'll be watching over her and spending time with her until Thursday.. On weekend I might go to my other cousin's 18th birthday, she turned 18 3 days ago but she's currently in Portugal(I THINK.). But we'll see.. I may not blog that much during my vacation but I can promise that I'll stay alive no matter what :)

AND I'll TRY to write all of the letters that I haven't written yet (sorry about that!! X__X)

Take care everyone♥!


Pictures from WeHeartIt

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

"It Would Be Better If We'd Stop Talking.."

"..and that you'd forget about me


Talk about timing!
The beginning of 2011 seemed okay (the first week). After that something happened and I attempted suicide. But I didn't die.
After that I had big problems with my mom once again and in the end she said that I'm not her daughter. Now that a family friend has died she talks to me once again but she still hasn't apologized (I could forgive but I'll NEVER forget.)..

Tomorrow I'm taking an exam but I don't feel like going there.. The day started okay, I thought I could make it through the day pretty easily since I have my roommate I can talk to but then I got a message like that from a guy whom I've known for 2 years and pretty much loved him.. But now..

I just feel like crawling under my blanket and staying there for the rest of the week..

But I can't.

And that's the hardest part. I meet people and I smile at them, laugh with them and talk about normal things even though all I want to do is cry and talk on the phone with someone who won't answer..

Is it too much to ask for another chance..?


Friday, February 18, 2011

Lately I've had too much time to think.. Normally I just keep focusing on school work but now that our teacher is in Canada and most of our courses aren't being held I've thought about things..

I'm almost never alone at the dorms, my roommate is at the same room 99% of the time we spend in there.. I've still had the time to just sit down, look at my computer screen, walls or the floor. And what I've realized is that no matter how close most of the people are I still feel alone somehow. I want to go home every weekend to see my other friends because I'm afraid that they'd forget about me if I didn't. Sounds stupid but it's because I only have a couple really close friends and i don't wat to lose them no matter what happens.

Currently I have a crush on another friend of mine, like the crush I had during the summer and autumn wasn't enough! Luckily this time I don't even have the will to confess. I've had enough being the one to confess and then become rejected or just lay in the bed and wondering how things would be if I'd be together with my crush..

I'll be having a vacation on week 9.. But next week I'll also stay at home except on Thursday.. I have an exam that day and I'll come here and take it, then back to home and spending the vacation with school books..

Lately I've got the strenght to write letters back.. Yesterday I wrote 5 letters, 2 to Finland, 1 to South Korea (didn't send it yet), 1 to Israel and 1 to Italy.. We'll see when I start getting letters back once again..

Wonder when I'll get my normal cheerfulness back..

I'll write more later~


Wednesday, February 16, 2011


I was talking with a 17 years old male from USA because he wanted to learn Finnish.

The chat went something like this: (note that I think that people who use "lol" are retarded)

L: really want to know why on earth you want to learn Finnish? It's one of the worst languages there is!

DJ: Well lol because its just a language that appeals to me and because I tend to like the little more unusual things lol

L: I can believe that.. But usually (or at least what I've heard) not that many Americans even know where Finland is.. So how did you found it?

DJ: I KNOW lol its Northern Europe, next to Ireland

And that's when I decided that I shouldn't talk with him.
I always thought that UK was next to Ireland.. It's strange how I don't know where the country I live in is..


Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Thank god I was able to talk about cosplaying (etc.) with someone here at the dorm. Punpun, THANK YOU! I felt way better after talking with you 'bout series, cosplay, the characters etc.. :) I enjoyed our talks!

I've been having this urge to go and cosplay NOW. SOMEWHERE. ANYWHERE! I really miss the conventions :3 Next con where I'm going will be in June.. :( I don't even know what I'm cosplaying.. I just go there.. Well, I will be crossplaying Ed Elric once again with Ninnu as my "otooto" Al :3 Can't wait.. :)

And from sub ject A to subject Y..
What I enjoy most in cosplay conventions is that you never know wheter the prettiest girl is a guy in real life or the guy you stalk during the whole weekend is indeed a girl.. I think I've been mistaken for a guy a couple of times but my voice always gives me away :( It's a shame :) And I've heard a friend of my saying to me once or twice that if I were a guy in real life she'd have raped me countless times already.. (I don't know whether I should be offended or not :D) And I've said that to my friends at least 10000000000000000000000000000000000 times.. :) It's really enjoyable to see how a girl can really "transform" into a boy :)

I started cosplay by cosplaying pretty known female characters (Kairi (school uniform version) and Yuna (songstress version)) from pretty popular games (Kingdom Hearts 2 and Final Fantasy X-2) (although the first costume was a disaster and the second costume was great but the wig was TERRIBLE!).. After those two cosplays I decided it was time to try crossplaying and I chose my favourite anime charater at that time (nowadays I HATE him!) Zero Kiryuu from Vampire Knight. I think that the costume was okay and I was one of the first Zeros seen in Finland which made me REALLY happy!

I'm not going to show my old cosplay pictures in here but some photos of the characters I cosplayed
Pictures from WeHeartIt

After my first crossplay (yay! me as male!) and first good cosplay (it was good.. wasn't it? :S)

After that I somehow ended up in a group cosplay (and a group cosplay contest) with people I had never before met. It was interesting.. It was the first pretty good female cosplay as:

Houjou Satoko from Higurashi no naku koro ni (kai/rei).. A bloody and a psychological horror series.. I was 16-17 when I watched the series (yay~) And to be honest I didn't even have nightmares.. I wonder why :O And the video clip that made me want to see the series:

Yay! My character is being killed for the 19839336746928th time during the series!!! :DD

I really enjoyed the series and I was cosplaying as 8-10 years old girl while I was 17, turning 18 and people thought I were 14-15..

I also cosplayed as Lenne from Final Fantasy X-2 (couldn't find any photos, sorry) and as Zero Kiryuu once again, with my friend Milla as Rima Toya..

After that it was 2010~ A year when I borrowed Ninnu's Roxas costumes :) Kingdom Hearts 2 was still close to my heart :3

I think (and REALLY hope) that I looked manlier than this pretty boy.

Maybe it's photoshop and other photo editors that make Japanese and other Asian cosplayers look so good. ;)

And finally I was able to cosplay as Edward Elric<3>

Monday, February 14, 2011

You've Got Mail

I wish I had.. :) I mean, lately I've been SO busy that I've hardly had the time to send or write any letters (or postcards).. And that's why I hardly get any mail at the moment..

I'm waiting for a package and a letter from Poland (from 2 of my penpals), a postcard from Mexico (it's probably gotten lost in the way :(), a letter from Turkey, a letter from England and a postcard package (swap, I didn't buy anything this time :)) from China..

And I should be replying to at least to two messages I've gotten from a Chinese and a South Korean girls about snail mailing.. I probably will start writing with them after I've replied to the letters I've received by now..

Mostly people want to start writing with me because I come from Finland.. Which is a bit weird.. I'm not fully Finnish and I want to move out of here so I always feel a bit uneasy whenever someone is telling me how they think that Finland is a great country..
I do agree that Finland is an okay country..
For example, last night when I came back to Joutseno with the train I tried to call a taxi with another student (I think she was from the "teacher class"). We couldn't get one and an old man came to us. He asked whether we had troubles getting a taxi and we nodded and smiled a while mumbling
"yeah, a bit.."
He gave us a ride to the dorms and talked to us the whole ride.. :) It's nice that there's still people like that here in Finland :)
But at least in Helsinki people rather look at the ground than other people.. SO..

Yeah.. I should be doing my homework (once again) but I don't feel like doing those.. I've already spent 3 hours with all of those and I'll be going to Punpun's room and we'll be finishing (hopefully!) an image analyze.. :S It'll take an eternity from me!! D:

But yeah.. I think that I should start eating something now and try to finish at least some of the homework I should do..

Take care~


Happy Valentine's Day everyone~ :)

Time's 9am, it's sunny and we have temperature of -20°C.. LOVELY! :)
I'll be spending most of the day with my homework, hopefully I'll be able to write some new blog posts today or at least during this week.. But I'm not sure whether I have the time or not.. I'm PRETTY busy with school, friend turns 20 on Thursday and and and.. Well.. Life's busy :)

Happy Valentine's Day~


ps. I'm single and I don't GAF :)
What about you guys? :)

Thursday, February 10, 2011


The trains are late once again (around 40 minutes this time) and I'm stuck at the dorm for a while longer so why not write a new blog post? ;)

I finally received the Jetoy postcards I had ordered December 15th!! ^^ Love those!!

So yeah, I bought those almost 2 months ago and the seller sent those on February 1st D:
I found out about Jetoy through postcrossing and wanted to get one as soon as possible.. But in the end I had to buy those by myself.. :/

Jetoy site:
(it's in Korean)

Next on my "to buy" list are:
Jasmine Becket-Griffith's Strangeling cards :3



Monday, February 7, 2011

"She doesn't deserve a daughter like you! Just forget her!"
But she's still my mother.. She gave birth to me..

The energy I usually have has disappeared.. I told everyone that "losing" my mother doesn't hurt or anything but it does..
I don't have the power or will to do anything.. Even getting out of the bed is a challenge..

I've never had a good relationship with my mother.. She has always hated me because she wanted to have a son.. Not a daughter.. And I kinda understand it.. Boys are easier to handle.. But still.. She got a daughter and 2,5 years after I was born she got the son she wanted..

My first 10 years was happy.. My mom didn't act like she hated me but I guess I was a bit ignorant.. I was just a kid and didn't know a thing about real life..

After my 11th birthday everything changed.. I don't even want to think about those times..

Most of the time I was out with my friends or at school.. I didn't want to stay inside the house.. If I was at home I was in my own room and sat in a corner.. It was my way of protecting myself.. After my 13th birthday the name calling started.. I was stupid, lazy as hell (no matter what I did), idiot everything like that.. Even bastard and asshole.. And after a year I became "fat". No matter what she HAD to call me fat. I was a teenager!! Of course I had a bit more weight than "normal" adults who are as tall as I were! My puberty had started!

THAT's when my depression phases started...

I'm afraid.. I really am.. But I won't let people see that side of me.. And sometimes I wish I could just crash down and cry for hours but I can't.. I have to be strong and keep going on no matter how much it hurts..

Even before my mom "changed" I've wanted to get out of Finland and everything that has happened to me during these last 10 years have just convinced me that I HAVE to move away from here.

My family is a mess.. I honestly think so. My only family members I truly respect are my dad, my brother and my oldest female cousin who turns 18 within 20 days.. (I have 15 cousins, 4 aunts, 2 uncles, 2 grandmas and a grandpa alive so..)
As my dad said to me yesterday:

"Jos on annettu yhtä paska suku kui sulla on ni sulle on todellakin luvattu vähintää paikka taivaassa tai seuraavassa elämässä vähintään kuningattaren tai miljardöörin elämä!"

(poorly translated:
"If you have as fucked up family as you do, you are surely getting a place in heaven or you're going to be at least a queen or a billionare in your next life!")

I'll be happy when I can move out of this country and lose the contact with my family..

And at the moment all I need is rest, some friends around me now and then and some time alone..

"One day she'll look back and regret what she said to you.."

Pictures from WeHeartIt

I know..


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Collab Video with a Friend

Song: What Can I Say
Band: Dead By April
My footage: Liar Game (Season 2)
Part: 4/6

Hope you like it.. Even though I don't use that many effects.. :)


Sometimes I don't know what to do..

My life has been hell for the last 8 years.. At least at home.. My parents have been together then apart and then again together.. It seriously has been like a World War 3 living in here..

Last night the bomb exploded for good.. My brother and me listened to their fighting.. I'm sure that even the neighbours heard their fighting..
Me and my little brother acted like we didn't hear a thing, like we've done for the last 6 years.. We've just shut our emotions off. We concentrated on music and PlayStation 2.. Then my mom came upstairs and started shouting at me..

She asked what her sister has said about my dad to me AGES ago. I started with the fact that children shouldn't hear their parents' fights and then I just stopped. I couldn't say a thing more.. You don't know my mom so you can't understand how scary she can be.. I swear she would have already killed me if she had a gun.. Since I didn't continue she started yelling at me.. I wanted to protect myself and yelled back:

"YOU were the one who called ME names when I was 14!!! I was FUCKING young and depressed and WHAT did you called me-"
and she replied

And she went back down..
It took a while from me to realize that I just lost my mom (I tried to see whether she was serious.. I went downstairs today and she acted like I didn't even exist.. But she does act really nice towards my oh so sweet brother..) My dad came upstairs after my mom went down and asked how I felt. All I said was:

"I'm Fine."

I continued playing PS2 for a while and listened as my mom talked on the phone with another one of her sisters.. In the end her sister wanted to talk to me. I honestly shouted to the phone..

"My OWN mother has destroyed my self-esteem and she's doing the same to my brother! I lost 15 kilos (33 pounds) in 3 months!!! I weren't even FAT but my mom kept calling me one!!! I weighted fucking 64 kilos (141 pounds) when she called me fat and after 3 months I weighted only 49 kilos (108 pounds). I didn't eat at all and it was so close that I didn't get anorexia!!!"
I yelled everything else as well and all she said:

"Your mother is in worse condition."

She FUCKING had the guts to say something like that. My mother has destroyed my self-esteem and made me feel like shit everytime I'm around her.

I ran away twice last year and all my mom said when I had my packed bags and I shouted at her that she wished I was never born and that she won't have to see me anymore.. all she said was


I've always known that my mom doesn't love me.. People have never understood how I can't get along with my mother.. I've told many people that my mom hates me but almost n one have understood me..

And now I don't have a mother anymore......

After all the yelling I locked myself to my room and cried for over an hour.. I called my friend and talked with her for 40 minutes..
I hardly ever cry because I've built a wall around me so that people wouldn't see how much I've suffered during these last 8 years.. I usually don't let people to see my tears..

My friend knows that and she knew that I really needed someone to talk to..

Pictures from WeHeartIt

From now on I'll work harder so that one day I'll be able to leave this whole country behind me.


Saturday, February 5, 2011

I DO Remember

Yesterday I found a letter from an old friend of mine.. I haven't been talking with her for over 2 years so I honestly started crying when I read it once again..
The letter was written almost 5 years ago..

We used to be the best friends but Secondary School changed everything.. We were still neighbours and we spent time with each other now and then.. But we both changed..

I do remember the summer we slept at her and her sisters' play house and went out in the middle of the night.. We had fun even though I slipped down and fell to the nettle bush.. It wasn't that nice but we had a great time.. Spent the whole night talking with each other..

And the times we sat at the dock and looked at the sea. We could sat there for hours and talk about EVERYTHTING.. Even though in the end we weren't as close as we once were it was still so easy and relaxing to talk about everything..

I remember I smoked pretty often when I was 14.. Every time I met J somewhere I usually started smoking so that I could spend a little more time with him.. Usually she were with me and she was worried.. I didn't see it at that time.. And even if I did I wouldn't have cared about it.. But now I'm happy that I had a person like her around me when my other friends knew next to nothing about my bad habits..

Thank you for everything. I promise to try my best and get in touch with you after these years.

Take care and thank you for everything.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Liar Game 2

Liar Game: The Final Stage SUCKED! D:

I expected the movie to be at least as good as the series were, maybe even better but no.. I was let down.. :( Never get your hopes up.. .__. And Akiyama and Nao's relationship didn't develop at all :( Even though there were pictures like:

But at least I saw Matsuda Shota as Akiyama Shin'ichi again and he was even better than in the series.. God I love badass heroes :D

Take care and good night


ps. Now that I've seen the Liar Game dorama/live action I'm after the manga (still ongoing~) And the next Live Action series I'm going to watch are Zettai Kareshi (Absolute Boyfriend) and Jigoku Shoujo (Hell Girl)..
I don't know ANYTHING about Zettai Kareshi but I've seen 2 of the Jigoku Shoujo anime series and I'm still watching the third one.. Let's hope that the live action won't let me down :)

Liar Game

I'm Alive~
The internet connection has been down so I haven't been able to do a thing.. I finished all of my homework on Tuesday. After that I watched Liar Game's 2nd season within 24 hours.. So I've been a bit bored.. (And I'm sick once again.) It's a shame that Liar Game has only 2 seasons and a movie.. I can't wait to see Liar Game: The Final Stage.. I'm sure it will be one of the best movies I've EVER seen :)

And Matsuda Shota.. I LOVE him!! He's one the sexiest man on Earth.. I'm serious.. I'd do anything if I could see him as Akiyama Shin'ichi again.. I guess I'll be watching the series from the start after I've seen the movie.. :)

Liar Game (ライアーゲーム) season 1:
"Kanzaki Nao is an honest college student who receives a hundred million yen one day, along with a card saying she has been chosen to take part in the "Liar Game". The aim of the game is to trick the other players out of their hundred million dollars. At the end, the winner gets the hundred million and the loser is a hundred million yen in debt. The next day, she receives notification that her opponent is her former teacher, Fujisawa Kazuo. She goes to him, seeking help, but ends up getting tricked into handing her money over. Desperate, she approaches the police for help, but they are unable to do anything. However, she is told of a mastermind swindler, Akiyama Shinichi, who is to be released from jail the next day. Desperate, she goes to him for help"

Liar Game (ライアーゲーム) season 2:
"The naïve Kanzaki Nao and expert swindler Akiyama Shinichi have not heard anything from the LIAR GAME organization since the end of the previous game, so it seems they may have actually escaped. But Nao suddenly gets another invitation and is once again caught up in the game. This time, she has to team up with Shinichi and one of their previous rivals named Fukunaga, facing off against three more opponents in new games of deception, such as "24 Rensou Russian Roulette" and "17 Poker""

Here's the Openings for both seasons and the movie:

GOD I want to see the movie!!! Matsuda Shota!!!!! >3<


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Soundtrack Of My Life

At the moment only.. :)

1. "What would you wish for if you had one chance?" ->
B.O.B feat Hayley Williams - Airplanes

2. Taylor Swift - Haunted

3. Megan McCauley - Wonder
"I try to find the truth between all the lies
When Bleeding is feeling and feeling ain't real
Will I see you when I open my eyes?
When Breathing's a burden we all have to bear
And trust is one thing we're taught never to share
Somehow you just seem to shine
When loving means breaking and saying goodbye"

4. Boys Like Girls - Love Drunk
"I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, but now I'm sober
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, forever is over"

5. Automatic Loveletter - Hush
"You colored my eyes red
Your love's not live it's dead
This letters written itself inside out again
When rivers turn to roads and lovers become trends
H H H Hush this is where it ends"

Who could tell that I have a crush? :)