Sunday, January 2, 2011

Open Letter: First Love

Dear First Love,

It's scary to notice how many Taylor Swift songs or parts of the songs remind me of you nowadays.. (Back To December, The Way I Loved You etc...) I've swore to myself and told my friends that I'm over you. But nowadays I keep on going back in my head, back to the lovely past when we spent every day together. We didn't go to the same school but we were neighbours and I was the only girl in there.. I was a total tomboy but still you agreed to play with me.. I was SO happy when we had the chance to be alone..
Then the happy days ended, I moved to the other side of the town without telling you how I felt about you and after that we barely met.. And when we did, you ignored me.. I was 11 years old and I knew I would go to the middle school that was located in the town center so every night I was almost praying that we would meet and go to the same school..

My dream didn't come true.. I spent my first year of middle school with my friends.. I lost old friends, I got new friends, I met my best friend, I was bullied, I fell in love COUNTLESS times.. But no one was you..
It took 3 and a half year for us to meet again, my hair was shorter and I tried to be a rebel, I was so sick and tired of my family and the expectations they had.. We met again on a winter evening.. It was a confirmation "camp's" meeting night and I was thrilled to see you there.. I think there were over 30 camps that year and you were coming to the same camp.. My friend immediately noticed how I kept looking at you and soon she knew the whole story..
It took a while from me to gather the confidence to text you but I did it quite soon and then everything was almost like before, we were just closer.. We met now and then and soon we were dating.. I really liked it even though both of us were a bit shy.. We didn't hold each other's hands or kissed.. We just talked and walked around our hometown..

But something was different.. My heart was pulling me to two different directions and my parents decided to move away from my hometown. I was crushed and depressed, even you and your company didn't comfront me..

"This time I believed in you, in me
This time I could see it all perfectly"

I had a crush on my male friend.. He didn't feel a thing towards me but I didn't care.. I think that somehow you sensed that you weren't enough for me at that time..
I'm still sad and suffering because of it.. I didn't want you to know how I was feeling..
But everything ended with a text message..

"It's Over"

What if some things would have been differently? Would we still be together? If I wouldn't have moved? Would I have met the people I've met after we broke up? Would we be engaged and planning on our wedding?

Unfortunately I will never get the answers to those questions but the one thing I know is that I really did love you. It will never change. You were and are the best first love.

Pictures from WeHeartIt

Thank you for everything.


  1. So I've made up my mind
    I will pretend
    To leave this world behind
    And in the end
    You'll know I've lied
    To get your attention
    I'm faking my own suicide

    I'm faking my own suicide
    Because I know you love me
    You just haven't realized
    I'm faking my own suicide
    They'll hold a double funeral
    Because a part of you will die
    Along with me

    Wish you thought that I was dead
    So rather than me
    You'd be depressed instead
    And before arriving at my grave
    You'd come to the conclusion
    You've loved me all your days
    But it's too late
    Too late for you to say

    I'll write you a letter that
    You'll keep
    Reminding you your love for me
    Is more than six feet deep
    You say aloud that you
    Would've been my wife
    Right about that time
    Is when I come back to life
    And let you know
    I'd let you know

    I was faking my own suicide
    Because I know you loved me
    You just never realized
    I was faking my own suicide
    I'll walk in that room and
    See your eyes open so wide
    I've been so lost
    Because you know
    Because you know
    You will never leave my sight (you will never leave my sight)
    Until the day that I die for the first time (until I die for the first time)
    And we'll laugh, yeah we'll laugh
    And we will cry
    So overjoyed with the love
    That saved my life
    Our love is so alive

    Relient K - Faking my own suicide

  2. First love will always live in your heart. Always.