Saturday, January 22, 2011

Life Is So Fucking Complicated.

But who cares?

As long as you're fine everythings is okay. People are egoistic beings.

"Be a Hero, Kill Your Ego."

Sounds simple, doesn't it? But how many people can HONESTLY say that they care more about other people's well being than their own? Not that many.

When you need other people - there's no one there.
If you don't need anyone and prefer to be left alone - FORGET IT.

When I overdosed myself I honestly hoped that I would've died. And I still do..

I am honestly in pieces. I don't cry because there's no tears to be shed. I make fun of myself before someone else can do that. I want other people to think that I'm funny. And friendly. I can't talk much about my past anymore unless I hear that people have had same kind of experiences. I've been bullied mentally for 9 years. (6-7yo and 9-15yo). It wasn't physical. NEVER. But I'd feel better if it would have been. The mental bullying has made me loathe myself. I get and lose weight all the time, the difference can be 7 kilos more or less in a week. I hate the way I look.

People think that I'm shy. They say that I look pissed. But what I've heard that people think that my self-esteem is okay or even great.

But it isn't. How many have been called fat during your first teenage years when you suffered from depression? Maybe from other kids but from a family member? It has also scarred me for life.

If only I could just fell asleep and never wake up again..
~Lily

3 comments:

  1. Hei tyttö, koitas ny rauhottuu!
    Ihmiset on mitä on! Ei tässä maailmas kellää oo helppoo! Jos sä tarvit juttu seuraa sun pitää ITTE pyytää sitä. Ei kukaan voi sitä tietämättä tajuta. Jos sulla on noin paha olo, PUHU siitä. Älä kiduta ittees olemalla yksin!

    Musta toi kuulostaa järkyttävältä. Mut voin sanoo, että mull on ollu 9 vuotta AIVAN yhtälailla psyykkistä koulukiusaamista.. Ja se on jättänyt elinikäset arpensa muhun.. Mut sen asian kans pitää oppii elään! Ei voi koko aikaa vaan masentuu uudelleen! Elämä on helvetin LYHYT! Pitää vaan OPPIA avaamaan uusia ovia ja sulkemaan vanhoja! Vaikka se SATTUIS tai ärsyttäis.. Niin ihmiset tekee. Niin me teemme.

    Mä sanoin sulle, että jos vielä kerranki aattelet kuolemaa tollee, sun PITÄÄ puhua jolleki! Ja sanon sen uudelleen! Mua pelottaa se mitä ajattelet. En todellakaa tahdo menettää sua! SÄ merkitset mulle paljon! Oot mulle YSTÄVÄ. Et oo vittu yksin täs maailmas!!!!! MÄ OLEN TÄÄL!
    Näeks sä mua?
    Sori, mut mua oikeesti PELOTTAA. "If only I could just fell asleep and never wake up again.." <-- Toi ei kuulosta hyvältä.. Ei YHTÄÄ. Sun tarttis oikeesti keskustella jonku kanssa..

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ja juu, kyllä MÄ välitän hitto soikoon!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am not 100% sure what to say or did I even understand this correctly (hello bad perceiving skills!)

    I get that you don't want to/don't dare to ask for help. It's exposing yourself in a way that very few on this planet understands and it is a experiment that can go wrong in googol different ways. But, at least for me, sometimes just the knowledge that there is someone willing to listen helps. So know that I'm one of those willing to listen to you if you need someone to talk to.

    Life's too short, yeah. But people survive differently, with their own strategies. Some people keep falling over and over again, even if they knew that they should learn to keep the balance and learn to open new doors when old ones close. Bullying can be done in same way but it has different impact on everyone. Being bullied can make you more ready for understanding someone of similar background but it does not make you a carbon copy of someone... I am not going to apology for my opinion.

    Earliest moment when I have thought about killing myself is before my 10th birthday. I do not remember exact date or age, just the feeling. It was reoccurring visitor of my dreams and thoughts through my teenage years. But I always had the anger, the desire to be the one who laughs the shittiest laugh at last. It was something that kept me going in my darkest moments, I wanted to be able to shout to them 'look at me now, look how far I have gone'. You can't do that when you're dead, can you now? Perhaps you could use similar motivation?

    I'm here. I care. I do not always realise when I am needed but tiny tuck of the sleeve will help. You know how to find me. Take care, girl and keep on being adorable! :)

    ReplyDelete