Sunday, July 18, 2010

~I'm okay, I'm alright~

"Everything is going well,
At least that's what I tell myself"

To be honest everything IS alright.. I'm not depressed or anything.. Family life is fine, I'm not fighting with anyone.. I have lots of things to do at home and work.. I have letters to be written..
But still I have this empty feeling inside..
I don't think that the feeling is because I'm single.. I like it that way.. Even though sometimes it's hard being with people who have someone in their lives..
Sometimes I think that maybe there's something wrong with me.. I'm not pretty enough, I should be thinner, I should work out more, I should go out more often.. Things like that.. Sometimes I blame the fact that I live in the middle of nowhere where all of the guys are morons..

I mean.. I have someone who I like and he likes me back.. I'm happy about that but the only problem is the distance.. He's currently studying in a university in Sydney Australia.. And I haven't heard from him in 2 months now..
And I've grown a crush for a friend of mine.. We've been friends for sometime but we've just grown closer by time and my feelings have grown as well.. But that's it.. I'm not gonna tell about my feelings because I don't want to destroy our friendship which is really important to me..

But I would really love to know why I have this empty feeling inside.. I hide it behind my smile so that most people can't see it..

Could it be because all of my friends have something they're incredibly good at? I mean different kind of skills.. Sewing, Drawing, Singing, Cosplaying etc.. And I've never felt like I'm good at something.. Everytime I've think that I've improved and that I could be good at something I see someone who's 100 times better than me and just give up.. Why? Because I realize that I could never become as good as them..

I've even started questioning from me whether I can get into university next year.. Currently I feel like none of the universities OR polytechnics are going to take me in..
Even though I'm growing out of my shell and getting rid of my shyness bit by bit I'm still not open enough and my skills aren't enough..
I even wonder why they took me in to Joutseno..

~Lily

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