Monday, July 26, 2010

The Higher You Get ,The Harder You Fall

I know I should be on top of the world right now.. I have great friends, I had a great birthday party with some of my dearest friends, I got new cosplay photos, I'm going to UK within 6 days and all.. But I feel so helpless, so small, miserable, unneeded and.. somehow forgotten..
Whenever I forget to keep my heart locked so that I wouldn't get depressed I get extremely happy and then I fall down and the depression sucks me in again..
I've even wondered whether someone would really remember me if I'd die.. Maybe after the 1st year.. But what about 5 or 20 years? Would someone really remember me?
I've done nothing special to be remembered by, I'm not that hard to forget..

And I know I'm not a good friend.. I hurt my friends in one way or another and at the same time I hurt myself.. I saw it happen again on Saturday and I felt like killing myself immediately after it happened! I don't want to hurt them but somehow it always happens..
Maybe they all would be better without me..

I feel like I'm just becoming weaker with all the medicines I have to eat nowadays.. And I fall apart so much easier as the days go by..
Unkept promises rise from the graves to haunt..
"You said it wouldn't happen.. But it DID!"
One-sided feelings..

Even I can't stand myself anymore.. SO how can anyone stand me? I don't think they do.. I feel like I'm just a small piece in a game where I'm destined to be sacrifised just so that the player will get something bigger and better..

Everyone would be so much better without me..

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