Thursday, May 27, 2010

What Would You Do If You Only Knew..

...That I'm suicidal..?
Yup, for real.. Been this way since 2005 and the pain and agony haven't loosened their grip around me and my life..
To be honest I'm tired of this but it's impossible to escape the depression.. Believe me I've tried and always when I've gotten a bit better something happens and it gets worse..
Nowadays I've gotten sick of everything.. I consider myself ugly.. I mean UGLY! I hate my hair, my face.. And I think that I'm fat no matter how thin I get.. I know that I'm almost too thin but that doesn't concern me.. I still think that I'm way too fat.. And on top of that I was diagnosed with this stupid illness.. Why does it have to make my skin even worse? It already affects my hands and I HATE it! As if I don't already have problems with myself and the sickness just has to choose me..
And now that I know what I want to study the entrance exam was straight from hell.. I WANT to study English in University but I feel like it's an impossible dream of mine.. The exam only had 2 questions and I couldn't even understand the second question.. To be honest I almost started crying then! I gave up after 45 minutes.. I answered the first question, got up and gave the papers to the teachers.. Luckily almost half of the students left then.. They all realized that it's impossible to get into uni in Finland.. Especially when half of the students taking the entrance exams are from UK or USA.. They take the places..
Any ways, for the next year I try to get into college of Joutseno to study English (I can pass the first year of university in there..) and try again next year.. I won't be taking the entrance exam of Psychology, I don't feel like studying for it.. But I will take the entrance exam of tourism even though I won't be going there to study even if they'd choose me as one of the students..

Only good thing about failing the exam was that my parents were immediately worried about me.. I get really depressed whenever I fail an exam so dad came to my room last night and we talked about the exam.. He was pretty happy that I was kinda expecting not to get into the uni this year.. And he told that he tried to get into uni but couldn't even answer to the first question so he was really proud of me.. And he came to talk with me because mom was really worried about me! Really! My MOM! I've never had THAT good relationship with her so I was REALLY surprised..
And I talked with my aunt (we stayed at her place between Wednesday and Thursday) and she said that she never even tried to get into uni.. And if I'd get into uni I'd be the first one from my whole family.. None of my relatives have studied in uni and almost none of my cousins will even try to get into uni.. Maybe Iina from all of my 15 cousins and that's it!

Luckily today I got to sleep late.. We came home around 9pm last night and I fell asleep around 11pm.. And woke up around 8am.. Tomorrow I will have to go to work but my brother will be there as well :) In Finnish school system there's these working weeks, you get a project you have to finish in one week or you go to work for one week, depends on the school :) And my brother decided to come to my work and work there for one week :) I'm so happy :D I won't be the only one who's harassed :) He will have to work like a slave as well :D

And now that I won't be taking entrance exam of Psychology I can start writing letters again :3 I have WAY too many letters to reply X_x But I only have 4 days of work and then 6 days off (my graduation is soon so I have to help my mom with planning and everything :)) and I can write the rest of the letters then ^^

And I've also received a lot of cards :3 2 postcrossing cards, 1 direct swap and 5 cards from my Chinese friend Shi :3 (And my cousin Lasse made me one card with 2 hearts :3 He's a cute and sweet 3 years old boy :3)

So.. the letters I received today were:
Seulgi - South Korea
Sofie - Luxembourg
Michi - Israel

and the cards I've received are:

Lasse's handmade card "Two Hearts" :)


Handmadecard through postcrossing :) From Ana, Portugal


Postcrossing card from Russia :) "Moscow, Fountain of the People's Friedship"


Private Swap from a Chinese girl :) "The Zhamei Lamasery"


5 cards from Shi :3 "Five-coloured yellow-dragon sea (Sichuan), China"


"Zhang Hall harbour, Zhouzhuang, Kunshan, Jiangsu Province"


"Qianging Palace, The Palace Museum"


"Dr. Sun Yat-sen Mausoleum, Nanjing, China"


"A bird's-eye view of a hutong. Taken at Xiang Chuan Hutong"


AND I've also received some drawings but I'm too lazy to scan and upload all of those here so I decided to put up the 2 drawings I really like :)

"Summer In Israel" from Michi-chan :3


"Ichiru Kiryu" from Sofie :3


And currently I'm in love with Tae Yang's songs YET again :) "Wedding Dress" is just SUCH a beautiful song! :3

Wedding Dress



Wedding Dress English Cover



Look Only At Me :3



OH! And should I or shouldn't I continue cosplaying and if I should which character(s) I should cosplay as..? (character & series, plz..)

Well, this is it for now..
~Lily

8 comments:

  1. Kiitti ku kirjotit enkuks :D mä tässä oon itteki miettinyt että pitäis kirjoittaa enkuks että oppis taas lisää kirjotuksii varten. Ja yllättävää kyllä, mä YMMÄRSIN sun tekstin :DD JEE hyvä minä xD

    Anyways - Eli se on tosi harmi oikeesti, että Suomes noi pääsykokeet osaa olla kyll tosi epäreilut.. :/ mut hyvä että sun vanhemmat tukee sua :) Mie myös! x3
    Ja sitte tosta cosplayaamisesta :D eli mun mielestä sun TODELLAKI kandee cossata!! Hmm.. mikähän olis sun tyyliin.. Tykkääkkö olla poika vai tyttö? Peruukki vai omat hiukset? Helpot vai haastavat vaatteet? :D Vastaa noihin niin yritän keksiä sulle jotain mikä sopis sulle ja mistä varmasti pitäisit ;)

    Ihan vaan tälläsenä loppu ekstrana xD MÄ tein tänään mun EKAN ajomatkan kortin kans XD JEE XD sori, oli vaan pakko sanoa toi jolleki :3 oli se vaan niin uskomatonta ajaa xD

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  2. Mulle on valitettu ettei oikee kukaa ymmärrä mitä kirjotan blogiini ni päätin vaihtaa kielen lopullisesti enkkuun :3 Saatan kyl joihinki väleihi kirjotella suomea, mut pääkielenä tulee olee englanti, ku haluun panostaa kirjottamiseen ja muuhun :) Yrityksenä päästä ens vuonna Jyväskylään :)

    Pojat menee, mut mielummin tyttö ja peruukki :) Puvuissa ei oo nii välii, mut ei mitää iha mahottomia xD
    Oon kyl miettiny Cielin cossaamista KuroShitsujista.. Sitä, ku Ciel on pukeutunu naiseks :) http://media.photobucket.com/image/Ciel%20dress/thychi/CielCrossDress03.jpg
    mutta kattelee nyt.. Se olis kyl aika ihana, mut kattelee jaksanko tehä ja millasii kommenttei saan.. jatkanko vai en :)

    Hienoo! :D Mä joudun huomen ajaa taas pitkästä aikaa eikä oikee huvittais xD Mut onneks broidi ei pelkää olla mun kyydis enää yhtää :D

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  3. hah, tarviiks mun ees kommentoida asiaa, tää ollaan puhuttu niin monta kertaa läpi puhelimessa ja tekstareilla ;D

    Mut sun muistin virkistämiseks: voi kyllä jatkat xD

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  4. ja hahmoiks vaikka näin ekana Vocaloidin Rin, ois pari Project DIVA 2:n asuu jotka on niin ihanii et huhhuh :)

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  5. YOU ARE NOT UGLY and YOU ARE NOT FAT! TRUST ME!! :)
    well i used think of suicidal.. i thought the world's so bored xD but just thinkin. and when i was in junior school and high school i thought im UGLY too. and well.. i wearing makeup now, so that i feel much better about myself now. :P eyeliner can make you different! ;)

    and i hate my major. but i cant do anything about it. :/ i want to study french when im in this college. ;( but for some reasons, i havent. so i study french now, by myself :)

    anyway, IM PROUND OF YOU! GOOD LUCK! hope your dream comes ture!
    youre such a good friend for me, youre sweet and funny and nice! <3 I LOVE YOUUUU :) kisses

    shi.

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  6. CHEER UP SWEETIE :)

    and nice cards! xDD :P

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  7. Mä en IKINÄ cossaa yhtäkää Vocaloidii et cossaa niitä vaa iha ite ja hanki ryhmä jos haluut cossata niitä. mä en oo siinä mukana.

    Thanks Shi :) I love you too :)

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  8. Hei toi Cielin puku oli just ihana :O Se sun päällä olis kyll aivan uskomattoman söpö <3 :DD

    Ja joo, mäki aattelin nyt kirjottaa enkuks ihan vaan siksi, että treenaan ens syksyn kirjotuksiin :3 Joten harjotellaan enkkuu nyt sitte ;D

    Ja okei :) Muuten, saat kirjeen tällä viikolla ;D siel on ylioppilas korttis mukana ja fanfic :))

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